*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
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All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this