@mattZillaaaa

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

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@IamEnidColeslaw

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

@smiles_and_nods

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

@JohnLyonTweets

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

@Rollinintheseat

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

@OctopusCaveman

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

@robin_991

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

@stacieooooo

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

@Laser_Cat

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

@panmidwest

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

@Smashie1

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.