@mattZillaaaa
@IamEnidColeslaw I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
You Might Also Like
@IamEnidColeslaw 
@smiles_and_nods After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
@JohnLyonTweets Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
@Rollinintheseat If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
@OctopusCaveman Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
@robin_991 I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
@stacieooooo There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
@Laser_Cat [skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
@panmidwest Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
@Smashie1 Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.