*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

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After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.


Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.


If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.


Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad


I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.


There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.


Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.


Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets


Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.