*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
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Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …