[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
You Might Also Like
I think we should hear other voices.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Facebook Twitter
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
This meal prepping shit is easy
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones