[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
[looks at label]

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Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no


My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.


I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.


*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?


Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.


Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared


1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively


My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.


Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house