@

[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

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@julezmac

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

@GrowlyGrego

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

@somecleverthing

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

@AbbyHasIssues

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

@ChrissieM10

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

@CindyBegel

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

@BradBroaddus

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
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@Bizarro_Mark

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

@dragnut

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house