[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
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FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I have no passwords left in me
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Gemma Correll
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free