[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
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Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.