[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
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Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.