[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

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If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.


The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.


I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count


Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?


*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture


It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle


When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.


One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.


[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever


ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive