*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
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[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn鈥檛
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you鈥檝e figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they鈥檙e somewhere behind you.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
if you think you鈥檙e having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she鈥檚 seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you鈥檒l be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I鈥檒l take the booth then
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 馃槀
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you鈥檙e here you鈥檙e family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?