[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
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Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
#winning
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here