[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
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First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Catering service
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Yup.