Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
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[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics