@joeygllghr I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
@UrPalWilly Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
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@joeygllghr 
@WilliamAder If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
@OBiiieeee My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
@stephenjmolloy Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
@donni Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
@Cheeseboy22 My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
@mary_know Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
@DothTheDoth Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
@DrLickenstein my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
@QwertyJones3 A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.