@awescar Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
@TitansHomer Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
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@awescar 
@BacklineNurse *sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
@That_Damn_Duck You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
@FloodyHippie Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
@jonnysun curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
@AnkCoupleTO [job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
@Home_Halfway A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
@thebgcomplex Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
@velweb My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
@GrantTanaka [bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]