Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

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Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.


*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*


You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.


Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?


[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?


A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.


Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6


My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.


[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]