“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
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Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle