“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

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Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum


Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.


Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.


I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.


Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.


There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?


heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead


My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.


If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.