@WhatsHerFace33

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

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@xennial_mom

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

@Smethanie

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

@jawahomer

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

@AnniemuMary

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

@64spoons

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

@squirrel74wkgn

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

@johnvvariety

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

@SomthinBoutSara

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.