Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
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[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again