Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
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me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Finally!
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.