@clichedout

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

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@Fred_Delicious

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

@KalvinMacleod

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

@secondofhername

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

@DaddyJew

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

@UnFitz

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

@ol_boo_cocky

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

@IamEnidColeslaw

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

@iwearaonesie

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said