“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

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Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]


Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)


HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl


Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.


Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”


I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.


Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold


watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome


girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said