Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
You Might Also Like
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)