Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
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can’t bark with your mouth full
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.