Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
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when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
me doing my best
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.