Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
*sewing*
A thread
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
