Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
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My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
getting old is fun
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
thanks auntie mary