Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
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When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
<- sleeps well with others
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
*jazz hands*
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
somebody come look at this
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.