You Might Also Like
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.