Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
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“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.