optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
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push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
oh my god