Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
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vegan witches, happy halloween!
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.