Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
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I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.