Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
You Might Also Like
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
channeling her this year
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.