Optional boss fight.
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Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
And then there were 4
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Sending in my taxes
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”