Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
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Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Perfect.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪