Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
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Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar