Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
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Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I like long walks away from everyone
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.