orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
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It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
No laws when master is gone
Yup
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.