Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.

She’s…..

Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

*tries to mount a horse*

Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird