Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
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me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Monday
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Good morning!
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.