ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
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Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
The three genders
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”