Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
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He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
That’s it.I’m out.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.