Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
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A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce