“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
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If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother