ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
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what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.