Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now