Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

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I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.


People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.


Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.


I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me


My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.


*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race


[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t


ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.


If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.