Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
You Might Also Like
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
When you can’t find your friend Neil
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”