
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Yup.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.