@JermHimselfish

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

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@whalesmells

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

@6to12elbow

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

@urmumsausername

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

@OneFunnyMummy

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

@Juicedballs

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

@Cheeseboy22

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

@TheToddWilliams

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

@TimDuffy

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.