@whalesmells When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
@JermHimselfish Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
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@whalesmells 
@6to12elbow How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
@nycjayjay Yup.
@urmumsausername Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
@OneFunnyMummy Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
@Juicedballs If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
@Cheeseboy22 Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
@TheToddWilliams [interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
@TimDuffy Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
@XplodingUnicorn My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.