Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
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*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
“you changed” bro i was 15
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him