Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
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YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
wow
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill