*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
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Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
#Caturday