Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying