@GingaSnapppa I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
@LMuenster [orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
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@GingaSnapppa 
@SamePageDifDay Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
@UncleDuke1969 SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
@ericsshadow What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
@AIanHangover Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
@jonnysun me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
@conor_tripler i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
@DurtMcHurtt [family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
@trevso_electric take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
@anerdonfire2 Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.