@LMuenster

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

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@GingaSnapppa

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

@SamePageDifDay

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?

@UncleDuke1969

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

@ericsshadow

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

@AIanHangover

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

@jonnysun

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

@conor_tripler

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

@DurtMcHurtt

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

@trevso_electric

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

@anerdonfire2

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.