*orders delivery*
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“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Do not steal food from the science building!
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition