*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
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Pretty certain I can more drunk
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.