*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
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Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Can Happiness buy money?
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.