@nevernicethings

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

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@GinAndJif

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

@TheBoydP

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

@LocalButtLiker

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

@causticbob

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

@RickAaron

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

@GrowlyGrego

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

@WVUPRT

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

@awescar

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

@whimsik_l

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

@dorsalstream

When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”