[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
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I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee