*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
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Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
j o i m p
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Van Gone
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Worth remembering.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.