[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
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I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?